


Postcards

by Echo_Winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But I Can't!, Dean Centric, Drinking, Gen, Nostalgia, Postcards, angst!Dean, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 20:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13419168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Echo_Winchester/pseuds/Echo_Winchester
Summary: Prompt: Dean finds a box of postcards under Sam’s bed. He recognizes the Photos as places where they had hunted but there is not nearly enough postcards for everywhere. So what do these places represent?Warnings: Angst; alcoholism, more angst, nostalgiaSummary: After the iconic “but I can’t” fight, Sam tells Dean he has something to show him. Dean finds the box full of postcards under his bed, and reads them all, remembering the good times and the bad: finally allowing himself to mourn the people he’s lost.





	Postcards

**__ **

**_“BUT I CAN’T!”_ **

Those words rang through Sam’s head and he took a step back, shocked at his brothers reaction. Sam knew he was hurting but this is a level he’s never seen before. All Sam could do is clench his jaw and stare at his brother, deprived of words to say. Dean just huffed, rolled his eyes and started past Sam, fighting the lump in his throat. Dean’s managed to keep those emotions under control until now, there’s no way he was gonna break down in front of his brother. Especially now.

“Dean, wait.” Sam hesitated. Dean just stopped in his tracks, not wanting to look back. When he continued to say nothing, Sam sighed. “Th-there’s a… There’s something you should see… That, I want you to see.” Dean didn’t move and he didn’t look back. Sam sighed again. “They’re um… they’re kind of personal, but when you’re feeling up to it, there’s a shoebox under my bed… You should take a look.”

“I don’t want to see your fucking porn, Sam.” Dean rolled his eyes. Sam rolled his at his brothers comment, but tried to keep his patience.

“It’s not porn, Dean.” He looked down and started to walk away. “Just… when you’re feeling up to it, they’ll be there. Maybe it’ll help.” And with that, Sam walked out of the room and headed to the kitchen. 

* * *

  
Dean waited days. His head was spinning too much and he drank more than usual to keep it straight. But when that Zepplin song came on… his favorite. The one he put as track 4 on the tape he made for Cass, that’s when his composure broke. He fought sobs, but the tears came anyway. Dean just sat upright, listening to the song on repeat for hours until he was dried out of tears.

After sitting there numb for a good half hour in silence, Dean started giving himself a pep talk.

“Come on, Dean. Snap the fuck out of it.” He thought about what he could do to take his mind off it until he could move again. That was when he remembered the box Sam told him about. Dean sighed, but dragged himself out of bed, taking a moment for the fuzz in his brain to adjust to being upright. Though, he couldn’t tell if it was from the depression or the drinking. Once he was able to catch his balance (and realize it was, in fact, the booze), Dean stumbled his way out of the room.

“S-sammy??” Dean called. No answer. “Sam?” Silence. Not even Jack was making a noise. Dean held on to the wall as he made his way down the hallway. Once getting to Sam’s door, he knocked just for reassurance. Nothing happened, so Dean opened the door carefully. Sam’s room was still barley decorated, but he did have a few pictures of them together hung up on the wall. Dean looked at them for a minute. Had he been in here at a different time, maybe that would’ve made him smile. However, the most he could muster was a short breath and a huff in approval. He hobbled over to the edge of Sam’s bed carefully, noticing that Sam hadn’t fixed the sheets… That was unlike him. But Dean didn’t focus on that. He was too determined in his drunk mind to figure out this little mystery his little brother had left behind.

Dean slumped to the floor, not even bothering to try to bend down to pick up the box. He felt around before hitting the hidden treasure, sliding it out from under Sam’s bed. He tilted his head when he noticed that this was a box from a pair of shoes that Dean hadn’t had in years, but shrugged it off. He knocked off the lid and was met with a series of photo’s. He tilted his head in confusion, but then notice one had writing.

“EUREKA SPRINGS, ARKANSAS.”

In big, bold, yellow letters. Why did that sound familiar?

“ALDRICH, MISSOURI” was below that, and Dean grabbed it out of the box. This was defiantly familiar. Was this a post card? Had to be custom, he’d never seen one that included Aldrich on the front before. Dean flipped it over. Sam’s writing was small, but readable.

“I’m free from that sick bitch. Dean came through for me yet again. Could you believe mom was with him?! I still can’t wrap my brain around it. But that smile I’ve been waiting to see is back. I thought I’d never see it again. The whole ride home, we told mom about the stupid little moments we had together. We left out the gory details, and told her the fun memories. Words can’t described how thrilled I am to have mom back, but Dean… I think this is the win he had been waiting for.  
\- Sam. ”

Dean swallowed the lump returning to his throat. He pulled out another one.

“LEBENON, KANSAS: Home, Sweet Home”

“I can’t believe it. After months, not only did we find him, but Cass and I managed to cure him. It was a long shot, but we did it. For a while I was scared that we really _WERE_ killing him. Men of Letters, man. Where would we be without you? I can’t say that Dean has been exactly happy since we cured him, but this was a huge win for us. Now I’m just downing whiskey and letting my nerves settle while he and Cass talk. Cass is thrilled to see him alive. And now back to human. Who knows. Maybe this might start something?

\- Sam.”

Flashes of his time as a demon sparked through his mind like lightening. Bar after bar of enough alcohol to fill a swimming pool, triplets, reading porn in gas stations, fighting Abbadon groupies, Sam finding him, Cole… Then the more painful memories. Sometimes during these flashbacks he could still feel the burn in his veins from the way the blood changed him. It was a pain that could only have been matched in hell. Dean shivered and swallowed more of his whiskey. He briefly wondered where it came from.. He didn’t remember dragging it in here with him? He remembered Cass… the way his arms held him back from killing Sam and feeling his grace burn his skin enough to keep him from fighting back. Though, he always knew he had been going easy on'em. Angels could’ve definitely used more grace than that to stop a demon. He was sure Cass could’ve dropped him like a sack of potatoes with his new grace if he really tried. Knight or no knight. He took another swig of whiskey as he remembered these things about Cass. Another tear dripped down his face as he pulled another one out.

“ _Elk Creek, NEBRASKA_ ” written in fancy words across the card. Jesus, were all of these custom made?

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen him smile sober, now. Luckily, this case we picked up has his sense of humor all over it. Can’t get any weirder than this, honestly. I think the last time we had a case this weird was in Concrete. With the giant Bi-polar Teddy bear. That was nuts. But now we’ve got joy buzzers that really shock people and killer itching powder. Dean couldn’t stop laughing for 20 whole minutes - until the idea he had for the whoopee cushion he bought left his head. Missed his laugh. Can’t remember the last time we both laughed so hard.   

\- Sammy. ”

Dean couldn’t help but smile. He took a deep breath to level his head through the tears. He felt like a total girl at this moment and was grateful Sam wasn’t around to see him fall apart like this. But he remembered this case. Every now and then he’d think about Jesse and what had happened. Though, if the angels aren’t worried and nobody else is making a fuss, He assumed the kid was either dead or VERY good at staying out of eyesight. Dean thought about the whoopee cushion prank he played on Cass. That was way back when the angel still had that stick up his ass. His smile faded when he remembered that was the last year he spent as a real Angel. Before he officially fell from heaven for him. _For **him**_. Even years later, Dean had a hard time coping with that concept. He swallowed the lump in his throat yet again and sighed. Dean brushed past dozens upon dozens. 

“Battle Creek, Michigan. 

Dean has become impressingly paternal. The way he’s carrying this baby around like a natural born father.” 

Dean read on and scoffed. “Oh Sammy… I learned most of that stuff from watching you as a baby.” He said out loud, as he put that on the pile accumulating next to the box. 

“Eureka Springs, Arkansas” Dean dug out the card that had made it’s way to the bottom of the box.

“Today was absolutely nuts. But while Dean was losing his memories, he was also losing so much of the needless baggage he carries around. And to forget about the mark? What a hell of a blessing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that smile on his face before. It was so innocent. I wish I could think of a way to keep it like that while still having him be my brother.   

\- Sam.”

“Pontiac, Illinois.Dean is home! I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I get to continue this tradition! He’s a bit confused, but after all the tests, I mean… it’s really him! I never thought I’d get the chance to hug him again, let alone see that big goofy smile of his. I know he’s worried about whatever pulled him out, but if we find whatever it was, I’m hugging it before I shiv it.   

-Sam!”

Dean thought back to that day. That was one of the few days he remembers so clear. He wondered why Sam wanted to stop at a gas station so badly… It was a little truck stop along the highway, but Sam was insistent on it. He remembered being even more confused when Sam seemingly walked out with nothing. Guess now Dean knew. Dean tried to think back to the events that followed that day… What little he could make out about Cass and the angels rescuing him from hell. Meeting Cass in that barn for the first time. Meeting Pamela… He smirked.

“CICERO, INDIANA.

Dean was INSUFFERABLE. Insistent we take a trip up here to meet up with some girl he hooked up with years ago.  Though, the way he’s been acting around the hotel… He seems like he’s got a real thing for her. Maybe this is it? Wonder what she looks like… She’s gotta be gorgeous to get him this flustered; That aint easy to pull on him.

\-  Sam.”

Dean thought for a moment before realization struck. “Ohhhh….” Lisa. Dean remembered Ben’s birthday party where he met the kid. But upon remembering that, brought back the pain of missing them. The best family he’d ever had and he put them at risk like that…

“At least they’re still alive,” Dean reassured himself out loud. He made a habit of checking on them every once in a while. If they find themselves driving through that part of town, he’d visit her home by himself and leave flowers on her doorstep. He stopped doing that years ago, though. Life got too crazy. He doubts she even noticed.

“ **PHILADELPHIA, PENSYLVANIA**.”

“ **LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**.”

“ **CANONSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA** : Oktoberfest!”

“ **Concrete, Washington**.”

“ **Richardson, Texas**.”

Dean read through them all, one by one, completely out of order, each one bringing up a lot of old memories. Some good, some upsetting simply because now he knows. A lot of them reminding him of Castiel.

“JERICHO, CALIFORNIA.

Dean came to grab me from school a few days ago. Part of me didn’t want to go. But he also looks like he’s seen hell on earth… I haven’t talked to him in almost 2 years, but I figure now is as good of a time as any: Dean, I herby promise to keep record of all of your happiest moments from here on  out. No matter how bad you feel, just remember the good times. Like this one. Yes, I missed you too, Big brother.  
\- Sam”

This was the card that broke him. Dean reread those words over and over again, tears streaming down his face. He sniffled, wiping the water from his face. Memories flooded his brain, and reading these words and knowing what he knows now… Dean wished he could go back and change it. Stay to protect Jessica and Sam’s normal life instead of pulling him off for a case. Go back and kill those demon bastards and let Sam get married and start his own family. Things would’ve been so different. He would’ve been happy. Dean chugged his whiskey, savoring the burn in his throat. He put the bottle down, coughing and gasping for air before remembering to breathe. He wanted to keep reading these, but at the same time this was turning into a total girl moment. He was better than this right? Dean slapped himself across the face.

“Get a fucking grip, Winchester.” He snapped at himself. He shook his head as if to shake off the emotion and picked up another card, hands trembling. His heart dropped at a name he recognized. “Fuck.” he said out loud.

“PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA.

Jo stowed away on a case. To be fair, it was hers to begin with… There seems to be something really interesting between her and Dean, though. I can’t say he’s been happy, but he’s definitely more at ease when she’s around. Ellen was livid when she found us. I didn’t have time to write this before we split town, but sitting at the motel now, I do. Good times are coming, Dean. I can feel it. Maybe Jo can help with that.

-Sam”

Dean felt his heart ache. The way she died. Drinking with Cass before the battle. That Egyptian god using her ghost to try and kill him… But he was glad for that. Got a lot off his chest, and gave him answers he thought he’d never get. She did like him. Maybe even loved him? Not that he can do anything about that now. Not that he can do anything to save Cass now either. Dean closed his eyes and breathed a long sigh. Picked up another one about him meeting Cassie again after years.

“Sam what the _fuck_. Why are you so interested in the girls in my life?” He questioned out loud, while picking up one from Manning, Colorado. He was definitely as drunk as he had been while drinking with Mick, maybe a bit more.

“Because, Dean.” Sam answered, walking in the door with a plastic jug of water. He leaned down, taking the whiskey from his big brother, and put the water next to him, on the side opposite from the cards. “You don’t see a pattern with any of them?”

Dean carefully looked up at his brother. He was very dizzy, and the room was spinning. He just carefully shook his head no. “They’re all moments where you were happy. Every time I saw a real smile on you for more than a few minutes, I’d pick up a postcard and write down what happened.”

“You’re such a sap, Sam.” Dean rolled his eyes. Sam leaned down, and picked up one. He looked at it, and threw it into Dean’s lap. He stood back up. “Wha-?”

“Just read it.” Sam replied, sitting on the chair across from Dean. The card was definitely custom, given that it had both him and Sam on the front. He remembered Sam asking to take a photo of them. It was awkward, but given Sam’s height and talent with a camera, the shot came out perfect. He had his leather jacket on, both of them had their eggnogs in hand. Dean has seen his smile in the mirror before, but this one… Given that he spent the whole time knowing that it would be his last Christmas, he did look really happy. The words “YPSILANTI, MICHIGAN” written across the bottom and the frame was decorated with wreaths, holly, and mistletoe. Dean flipped the card over while Sam watched.

“This might be the last card I write. Dean doesn’t have long and if I’m being realistic - it doesn’t look good. But he really wanted a Christmas this year… And out of all of his "dying wishes”, this one felt important. Maybe for both of us. I just couldn’t say no. I went to the local gas station to get something for him for Christmas, and I saw a display of postcards… I have an idea for this next one. So I bought one just to have something to write on, but I’m gonna make him take a picture with me. Really go all out with the customizing this time. Who knows? Dean brought me back, maybe I can bring him back and one day he’ll see this.

-Sam.“

Tears were pouring down his face now, his limbs had gone fuzzy from the alcohol hitting him so hard. Flashes of hell seared through his mind. His last year recapped and for some reason, his memory of seeing the shadow of Castiel’s wings for the first time.

"Why are you showing me this?” Dean slurred, trying to look up. Sam looked at his brother apart in front of him, fighting back tears of his own.

“Because since… what happened… It’s like you forgot how to be happy. And I know that happens a lot. So I wanted to remind you that there’s always a ‘next time.’ Even if it doesn’t feel that way.” Sam looked his brother, who couldn’t meet his gaze. The alcohol was now really starting to kick in, and Dean just felt completely exhausted. Sam wrapped Dean’s arm around his shoulder and lifted him up. “I’m not mad at you, for what you said. I just hope you’ll make it out of this.” Sam commented, knowing there was no way his older brother would remember. He hoped Dean would at least remember the post cards. He laid Dean down in his bed carefully, putting his headphones next to him and throwing his blanket over him as well.

Sam went back to his room to grab the water and a bottle of aspirin, and noticed the next card on top of the pile: MANNING, COLORADO.  
He looked down and nodded, before setting the pills and the water on Dean’s nightstand. “Just take it easy when you wake up. I’ll be here.” Sam thought of the irony of this scenario… Usually Dean is the one who takes care of him. Now he’s got to for once.

Sam made his way back to his room, and started putting the cards back in order. He looked at the Colorado card again before picking it up.

“I can’t believe we found him! I can’t exactly say I’m thrilled given the circumstances, but… Dean seems much more sure of himself now that he knows Dad is alive. I just wish Dad would get his head out of his ass. I know we need this gun - Colt - whatever, but this plan is going to end up with someone getting killed. I know Dad’s been doing this a lot longer than we have, but if we all sat down and brain-stormed, maybe we could win this. Or at least stick around for Dean. He’s been worried sick this whole year. It was nice to see him slow down for a little while. Dad had to go and ruin that too.

-Sam.”

He put that one back into the box, burying it down at the bottom… Maybe it’s best that Dean didn’t see that particular one, if he’ll even remember looking through these postcards. Sam sighed, shoving the box back in it’s spot under the bed, then laid down. He turned his music on and flipped the light off, letting sleep carry him to better days. Hopefully Dean could function in the morning.


End file.
